January 2009
54 posts
Listen up
words with a rule on them superimposed on digital photographs are not the height of comedy. i am putting the internet on notice. you are fucking lame, tumblr. shape up.
i’m thinking of pulling up my stakes and moving on. only on computers would something like 4chan be considered cool because only maladjusted geeks know about it.
i have seen the future of message t’s. and it is the...
Tear jerk
Patrick “becktime” Beck fell asleep in the theater during “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.” When his mother woke him up to leave, he started sobbing because he had missed half of the movie.
Go buy a PS3 →
Kotaku gives me a shout out AGAIN. I am like the Deep Throat of the Internet. WHAT’S UP NOW?
Because of this
OK. So I am a lot of ways. My 14 followers all know me so there’s no sense in explanation. No one’s going to reblog this anyhow. Regardless, from time to time, I am asked why I am a certain way. Here’s one explanation.
My mother has gone through many fits of religious zealotry in her day. My older sister tells of a period where she actually engaged in that “talking in...
Watchmattedits:
benjoseph:
dangurewitch:
Fresh Prince Theme: Gangsta Version. Written by me, directed by Josh Ruben, performed by Jordan Carlos, and produced by CHTV.
Track by the inimitable Morgan Z. Do please digg it.
Here’s another short I cut…pretty ridiculous…and a ton of fun to edit…Josh and his crew did a great job shooting this…
funny, not racist. it takes some measure of intelligence to...
He got mad because I called him by his high school...
me: exhibit a: page 102 of the 2002 foran high school yearbook
a collage of several pictures sent in by jess abrams
Pollock: hahaha
me: among them a cluster of you surrounding a passage
Pollock: you son of a bitch
i thought they were gone forever
oh god
i'm ruined
RUINED!
me: A whipped up jitterbuggin' brown eyed man
A stray cat frontin' up an eight-piece band
Cut me Sammy and you'll understand
In my veins hot music ran
Nicky the Nunz →
One of my favorite people (and webmasters) in the world breaks down the Braves off-season in his personal blog. I agree with him on most points minus the stuff about Vazquez — who will be serviceable. I’m not expecting many headaches from the guy but that’s as far as I’m willing to go. He makes good points about Smoltz, but I’m still heartbroken.
P.S. No one actually calls...
Inauguration poem
me: oh i stopped listening
Juran: oh but kev, some bitch from yale read a poem! you missed your moment!
me: shit, i could have fallen in love
"change. change is strange.
who knows what it is?
on the open range, where buffalo play?
where hope lies like a seed
pony express on his steed
where lincoln's dreams dance
and mr. king's hands pray.
change, is strange, our nation cries
and tyranny dies, yes change
nestled here like baby christ in the mange' "
-some haughty dyke, yale university
Juran: hahaha christ in the mange
me: not many words rhyme with change
Juran: simply fantastic
me: i feel like if i recited that in earnest to someone, they would tell me it was good
Juran: absolutely they would
you could have gotten up and said that today and it would have gotten rousing applause
me: all this tremor in my voice
Juran: pony express on his steed
im all honored that i got to hear those words first--someday theyll be etched in marble
Obama Hangs Out With 10 Month Old Named Jedi →
nerdology:
President elect (or President depending on what time you read this) spent the day before his inauguration painting a homeless and at-risk youth shelter. One of the kids there was a 10 month old baby boy named Jedi… yup, his parents named him Jedi.
Look, I’m a pretty big Star Wars fan, it’s not something that I hide. But naming your kid Jedi is exactly the kind of thing that gives...
To all my homies in the pen
I bought “Death Race” on iTunes a couple days ago and watched it with my dad and brother during the first half of yesterday’s Eagles-Cardinals game and I came to a stunning conclusion.
Movies with futuristic prisons kick ass. Allow me to offer some examples:
DEATH RACE
DEMOLITION MAN
ALIEN 3
FACE/OFF
NO ESCAPE
CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK
Feel free to add your own or debate my...
Amazon
I’m a huge fan of Amazon’s Gold Box Deals. I check them everyday. I’ve known since Saturday that all of this week’s Gold Box Deals will be HBO shows, but the sales kick off today with The Sopranos Complete Series going for $150. Not a bad deal.
Watch“Tomb Raider” for the first PlayStation officially made a fanboy out of me. I still have a striking passion for the game and can tell you quite confidently that if I were to sit down with it tonight, I would breeze through at least the first four levels without dying or so much as using a health pack. I revisited the game in 2000 to confirm that very fact.
Unfortunately, the series...
he's right, but
myparentsweddingsong:
i love when a certain co-worker says Borat lines like “Atts-a Nice!” and “I like!” over and over again, day after day, and you wonder how much empty space in his undeserving brain could be occupied by raw intelligence
this from a guy whose previous post was an inspiration poster parody.
hey joe! have you heard of LOLcats?! OMGFTWBBQ U R totally in4 a surprize lulzh4xorzorz.
Will this be my last Smoltz post? No. →
The guy’s my hero. Deal with it.
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
me: if i frenched you, would you french back
Fedor: the mystery is half the fun
Olney bitch slaps Wren →
ESPN.com’s Buster Olney weighs in on Atlanta’s questionable off-season.
Getting under his skin
me: i'm a little worried paul
Gulyas: stop doing that
me: i just saw an advanced screening of paul blart, mall cop and there are A LOT of paralells to be drawn between it and graduates
it might be back to the drawing board
Gulyas: oh fuck!
me: yeah there is an old man on a scooter who drags paul blart
what are the odds
Gulyas: hhaha
me: furthermore paul blart gets a scratch on his arm and he acts like it is a wound and puts a band-aid on it
Gulyas: did u really see this
me: fuck you
can you put it on FoD as well
Gulyas: i don't know, do they have time restraints?
me: beats me, i think that would help because you are going up against paul blart
me: little fun fact about paul blart, it was originally called paul smart mall cop but then the steve carell vehicle 'get smart' was released and it necessitated massive rewrites
Gulyas: fuck
we were originally called Graduates Mall Cop Blarts
This is the second proudest moment of my life
The first was watching Richard Jones slow dance with Tracey Terry under the lights at the 2001 Foran High School Homecoming ceremony to the band playing “I Only Have Eyes For You.”
D Lowe isn't worth $15M a season →
But the Braves don’t have a choice. I really hope this comes through.
1. Wear many scarves.
2. Have long hair.
3. Hang out in the Meatpacking District.
-How to be a guy on MTV’s “The City”
Hiiiiiiiiii new followers
paulgulyas:
I love youuuuuuuuu.
i might have to revise my plans for 2009.
“John Smoltz has earned the right to be given the benefit of the doubt. If he...”
– Chipper Jones
Mystery Roar from Faraway Space Detected →
paulgulyas:
Whatever it is, it better stay the fuck in Faraway.
Star Roars: Return of the SETI
There's always next year
2008 was a terrible year for Braves fans. Francoeur flopped, Teixeira left and the extent of injury was so great that it threatened to not only up-end the current season but next year as well. Brian McCann made the All-Star Game but didn’t get an at-bat in a 15-inning fucking game. Seriously? He had a better average and more homeruns than Geovany bitchface Soto. And every other NL catcher...
Social Anxiety
There’s a girl whose desk is perpendicular to mine. We never talk. This is fine. Her desk faces me and I can only see her by means of peripheral vision. So it’s best if I can just assume that she is never talking to me. Simplicity, my friends. Also, our names rhyme, which is really fucking annoying. I was here first so I resent her.
There’s an ice storm ripping through New...
WatchThank you Norway for your Nazi Zombie movie. I have been waiting for this day since playing Wolfenstein 3D in my youth.
(twitchfilm.net via CHUD.com)
Enough with the Evangeline
Kripes. All of our friends follow each other but we take turns reblogging a picture of Ms. Lilly’s ass. It would appear to the casual peeping coworker that I’ve been ogling her gingham posterior for the last three hours.
GAY-THAM FOR STATHAM by Patton Oswalt
paulgulyas:
stupidinboston:
ryanjpointer:
arod:
(via baitandswitch:)
Jason Statham has never been in a great movie.
He’s also never been in a boring one.
Statham’s imdb.com profile, collectively, is a promise to you, the weary filmgoer. It’s a promise that says, “I promise that you will not FOR ONE SECOND be bored during one of my movies. You won’t learn shit about the human condition,...
"Smooth Operator" by Sade
1.
Me: Hi. My name is Kevin. What’s your favorite color?
Girl: Uh, hi.
Me: Of pills?
2.
Me: Wow, there are a lot of people at this bar.
3.
Me: Hi, what’s your name?
Girl: [name]
Me: Whenever I get nervous, I order an orange soda.
[smiles to reveal orange teeth]
4.
Me: Are you 21?
Girl: Yes.
Me: I’m not a cop. I’m just looking for a secret agent.
[silence]...
